A child in advance kidney failure ...

It's been a while since I've used this blog. Years ago, I used this blog for just personal things and then hid everything once my homebirth story went viral. I haven't posted much - I just left my story up to let people read it. As passionate as I am about sharing my homebirth story, I will have to place that on the back burner as of right now. I have much bigger things going on in my life right now.

On May 15th, I made my 11 year old son an appointment to be seen by his pediatrician. A few days prior, he had a headache that lasted two days. I decided that I would go ahead and back him an appointment to discuss a few things that I had noticed in him. He seemed to have leg cramps several times a week which I just assumed were "growing pains". He also seemed pale in color and had somewhat of a lack of appetite. I figured, if anything, he might be anemic since my toddler was also anemic a few months prior.

My husband took him to his appointment where the pediatrician did a urinalysis which popped up with blood and protein in it. She sent them to do labs as well and told us to hang tight by our phones as she would call with the results. My husband is a registered nurse and he knew that something wasn't right. A few hours later, my phone rang with the pediatrician telling us he was in advanced kidney failure, he needed dialysis ASAP, and we needed to drive the 4.5 hours to Cook Children's hospital in Fort Worth hospital. She asked me several times if I understood what she was saying and I kept replying "yes". Truth be told, I was in shock and really not understanding anything except we needed to hustle to make the drive. She told us we could have him flown over there but it would be dramatic and possibly scary for him. She was confident that he could make the drive.

It took us a few hours to get everything squared away at home. I have six children and it's just not easy to pick up and leave on a whim. Hell, we didn't even have a vehicle to hold all of us at one time so we were busy packing both cars to make the drive. My mom eventually called and said she would drive down to our house to watch the older three. Once we got our bags packed, we threw them in the truck and loaded up my 11 year old son Canyon along with my 3 year old (Zinn) and my 19 month old (Holden). We drove in silence. I knew it was bad based on my husband being so silent. I didn't really know what was going on and tried not to google. I really thought we would get to the hospital and everything would just be okay. Or perhaps, he would just need one round of dialysis and he would be "cured". I obviously had no clue about how important the kidneys are.

We arrived that evening and went to the emergency room at Cook Children's. I gave the front desk the lab work that he had done that morning which showed kidney failure. We waited about two minutes before we went back to triage. They redid all of the labs, urinalysis, and did a renal ultrasound. They checked for a strep infection which can mess with the kidneys but that was quickly ruled out. By 1am, we were being admitted into the hospital for kidney failure. The renal ultrasound came back with abnormalities.


The next morning, the nephrologist walked in and introduced himself. He asked Canyon if he had ordered breakfast. We replied no as they ordered him not to eat or drink overnight. He made sure that Canyon got some breakfast before sitting down with us to break the news of what was going on.

The diagnosis was end stage renal failure, chronic kidney disease stage 5, and anemia. The treatment would be dialysis and eventually a transplant. There isn't a cure for this. This is life long. This is life changing. This devastated me. I cried. My husband cried. My mother in law cried. Canyon cried. I still didn't really grasp what was going on but hearing the word "transplant" made me know that this wasn't just a simple thing to fix.

We stayed in the hospital for exactly 7 days. During this time we started a regime of different medications to help his kidneys and treat his anemia. We decided to do peritoneal dialysis as this was something we could do at home while he slept. He would have to do a surgery to have the PD catheter placed as well as a kidney biopsy to figure out exactly what happened to his kidneys. We were trying to avoid a blood transfusion because of a future transplant but we had no other option except to do a couple of transfusions. He needed the transfusions for the surgery. On May 20th, bright and early that morning, they wheeled him back for surgery and the biopsy. The biopsy samples were great - they had good cores and were sent off to pathology. The PD catheter was inserted and we were quickly reunited with him. It was tough for me to finally see the catheter in him. I cried a good long time that evening at the Ronald McDonald house. It was hard seeing my baby going through so much and I wasn't able to do anything for him. I wished so many times that I could do it for him. I wished that it had happened to me and not him. He is only a child. He has his whole life ahead of him.

Two days later on May 22nd, we were discharged to the Ronald McDonald house. His labs were stable and his catheter site was healing well. We opted to stay that entire next week at the Ronald McDonald house so we could do our peritoneal dialysis training that week before heading home. Because his labs were okay and stable enough, the doctors decided to hold off on dialysis for a couple of weeks so the site could heal properly. Dialysis training was intense and full of emotions for me. Sometimes I had strength and felt like I could do it. Other times, I broke down. It was a lot to learn and process. We had to fill out medicare paperwork for him. Medicare for an 11 year old. We had to talk about SSI as he could qualify. I had to learn how to work the dialysis machine, give him shots, order supplies, change his dressings, treat infections, and also how to revamp our diet.

On the night of May 24th, Canyon woke up suddenly crying out in pain. He had a headache and no matter what I said to him, he wouldn't calm down. My husband and I decided to take him to the emergency room where we discovered that he had high blood pressure. The entire week before his blood pressure was great - and now - at night - it wasn't. The high blood pressure gave him symptoms that included headaches and nausea. He kept saying, "I just don't feel right. I don't feel right!" So, that night, we began blood pressure medicine.

We finished up all of our training on the 26th of May and were able to go back home. We loaded up our truck with so much more than what we originally came with. Now we had boxes and boxes of medical supplies that included antibiotics, needles, gloves, masks, dressing stuff for his catheter, etc. As happy as I was being able to go home, I was also scared. Our treatment plan would include monthly visits back to Fort Worth to check his labs and evaluate everything. They can not treat my son locally. The first thing on our list to do once getting back home was looking for a bigger vehicle that could seat 8 people comfortably AND cart dialysis equipment easily. On May 29th, we found a ten passenger van for sale which was HUGE but something that the kids could ride in comfortably and we would have room for all of the medical equipment we would need. We signed the papers on that and checked that off of our list. The second thing was switching bedrooms around in our house. Canyon's old room was across the house from our room. This obviously was not ideal because we wouldn't be able to hear any alarms at night on his dialysis machine. I gave up my office/guess room to Canyon so he could be right beside the master bedroom. We checked that off of our list. Last thing was getting ready for our first dialysis supply delivery and figuring out where to store all of the stuff at in our house. I was amazed on how much you need monthly for dialysis. Those bags of fluid are pretty big and heavy. You also need drain bags, cassettes and tubing, along with extra caps for his catheter. I'm glad our house is relatively big and we are able to keep the majority of the supplies in our laundry room.

I must say that Canyon continues to impress and inspire me. His attitude about all of this has been amazing. He will say things like, "Well, it has to happen to someone so it might as well be me!" He doesn't appear to be angry or mad about it. I try very hard to be positive and optimistic around him. Our new diet change isn't negative - it is positive. Limiting sodium, phosphates, and potassium are good things in the long run because it makes him feel better. Him feeling better is our main priority! Every once in a while he would ask why it happened to him. I never really had a good answer for him except to explain statistics. Sometimes it is completely random. It sometimes just happens.

On June 5th, we ended back up to Fort Worth for the start of dialysis, nephrologist visit, lab work, VCUG procedure, and to meet with the urologist again. During the nephrologist visit, we went over the biopsy results. They sowed that he had focal segmental glomerulosclerosis - or - FSGS for short. FSGS is a rare disease that attacks the kidney’s filtering units (glomeruli) causing serious scarring which leads to permanent kidney damage and even failure. They firmly believe this is something he has had for a very, very long time. I believe this is something that he has had since birth considering he has had slow growth patterns his entire life. He had no symptoms of this. They said because it's been so gradual - his body has compensated and in turn, Canyon didn't even notice how bad he felt because it has been so gradual. The biopsy also showed urine outside of the kidneys which is why they ordered a VCUG procedure. However, that didn't show any urine flowing back up into the kidneys so they came to the conclusion that urine flowing back up into the kidneys caused the damage. We will not have to visit with the urologist again unless we have any issues so that was one good thing! One less doctor to see. We went over his current lab work and based on those numbers, they decreased a bit of his meds which made Canyon really happy. We also got the green light to start dialysis!

The first night of dialysis was pure hell. The alarm went off every 30 minutes. We were miserable. At about 4am, we gave up and stopped the treatment for the night so we could get some sleep. They changed some of the numbers for his dialysis therapy and the second night went SO much better. It's been over a week of dialysis now and it's been so smooth. We might get one or two alarms a night which are easily fixed. Canyon is handling this like a champ. His catheter site looks clean. He isn't experiencing any pain. He has even mentioned that he feels better! I have noticed an increase in energy. He isn't sleeping as much - he's running with his siblings and friends - he's jumping on the trampoline. He isn't complaining about his diet and he knows how to read labels on food now. The hardest part for him is the meds and the EPO shot but .. he does it. He might complain but he gets it done.

We go back up there in two weeks for another visit. This is our new "normal". I'm a parent of a child with a life threatening condition. My child will be on dialysis for the rest of his life unless he gets a transplant. Even a transplant is not a cure. I am constantly reminding myself and Canyon that we have to take it one day at a time. Just one day. We can't think about the past and we certainly can't think of the future. One day at a time.

I would like to thank everyone for their support during this emotionally draining period of our lives. From all the cards and packages being sent to us to the countless donations that were made. We truly appreciate each and everyone of y'all. I will keep everyone posted about the transplant process when we reach that point. We are not there yet. Our main focus is getting him stable on dialysis and making him healthy enough for a transplant surgery. It will be months and months before we get there.

If you would like to donate to our GoFundMe page for Canyon, it is here. We have a long way to go so everything little bit helps!

If you would like to follow me for Facebook updates, please click here as I make public updates there regarding our progress!

I will be making lots of updates on this blog to try and get our story out there.  In the mean time, if you are not an organ donor, please consider becoming one.  Every day, lives are saved and improved by the gift of life, sight and health. 

When life hands you lemons...

Ina May Gaskin, a well-known certified professional midwife in the homebirth community, published this quote in her book Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth: “Remember this, for it is as true and true gets: Your body is not a lemon. You are not a machine. The Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo. Even if it has not been your habit throughout your life so far, I recommend that you learn to think positively about your body.” This quote is used constantly by “natural birth” advocates to remind women that their bodies were made to give birth - that nothing could ever go wrong as long as you trust your body and the birthing process. These natural birth proponents tell women, “Your body is perfect and can never produce a baby that it cannot birth naturally. You only create problems when you step into a hospital and let doctors and nurses take control of your labor and birth.”

These sorts of arguments had led me to believe strongly in myself and my body during my fifth pregnancy. Besides, my previous homebirth had a good outcome. Why should this birth be any different? My hour long prenatal appointments were filled with laughter, excitement, and small talk. We would usually do a quick check of my measurements and then those long appointments were filled with the midwife discussing her family, other births she had recently attended, or her vacations. As my due date got closer, I began to have some concerns about the measurements of my fundal height, my lack of a due date (no ultrasounds), and the position of my baby. I was told, “Stop being irrational and everything will work out once labor hits. Besides, your body is not a lemon. We trust birth, we trust our body, we trust ourselves.”

So why did my baby almost die from my homebirth? Why didn’t he turn? Why did he get stuck for almost 9 minutes and get deprived of oxygen? I thought my body wasn’t a lemon!? I thought my body was made to birth babies flawlessly if I avoided the hospital. Suddenly those hour-long appointments and the professional-sounding credentials didn’t really mean anything. I realized what a completely lacking skillset my midwife possessed. I realized that the homebirth system was built on lies and empty promises. I realized just how important the medical professionals at the hospitals really are.

My fifth child’s birth was the most traumatic event of my life – both physically and mentally. Although his survival brought us tremendous relief and joy, my husband and I made the decision not to have any more children. But, life happens, and I once again found myself pregnant and wondering how I could face the prospect of giving birth after such a traumatic experience. Could I ever trust a lay midwife again after my previous experience? Could I trust an obstetrician or Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM) in a hospital? While my experiences argued that I could not trust a lay midwife, my years of homebirth indoctrination suggested that a birth in the hospital was not only inferior to a homebirth, but also inherently more dangerous for my baby.

I knew one thing: I would never again entrust the safety of myself or my baby to any individual who lacked the skillset to intervene in my birth should such an intervention prove necessary. The memories of my midwife seeking guidance from an online blog group or the blank stares that were given when the birth failed to progress littered my mind like an unholy collage to intentional negligence. Although I knew I could not trust a lay midwife again, I still had reservations about giving birth at a hospital with an obstetrician or CNM.

I decided to set up a consult with the Obstetrician who delivered my firstborn child 13 years prior. When the Obstetrician introduced himself I blurted out, “I almost lost my baby at a homebirth here in town, I am pregnant again, and I am scared!” He sat down with me, asked about all my previous births, and we went through my homebirth records page by page. He then asked what kind of birth I wanted. He explained that the hospital environment could offer me a “homebirth-like” vaginal birth experience, a more pain-free vaginal birth with an epidural, or a cesarean birth due to my increased risk of a second shoulder dystocia. We discussed the risks and benefits of each option in depth.

For me, the most important factors in my decision were my increased risk for a repeat shoulder dystocia and the fear of further traumatic injury to my still-healing pelvic area following my previous homebirths. My obstetrician explained that because I had a previous shoulder dystocia, I was at an increased risk of having that same complication with this birth if I chose to have a vaginal delivery. In addition, I was still healing from the trauma to my pelvic area and tailbone that occurred during my previous homebirth. Ultimately, I decided on a cesarean birth not because I wanted an “easier” birth experience for myself, but because I felt that it represented the least risk to myself and my baby.

At the beginning of each prenatal visit, my obstetrician always verified that I still wanted a cesarean birth. By ensuring that I understood the risks and benefits of each available birthing option, he enabled me to make an educated decision about what was best for myself and my baby. By continuing to reassess my birth preferences, he also ensured that my decision was not based on an emotional response to my previous traumatic birth during a single visit, but was rather the product of my consistently having weighed all of the risks and benefits.

After having relied on the faux professionalism of lay midwifery for so many years, it was simultaneously a peculiar and incredible experience to be back under the care of true medical professionals. The experience was peculiar because, in addition to having a venomous opposition to birth in the hospital setting, lay midwives and the greater homebirth community had always spread such negative, and ultimately dishonest, claims about obstetricians and Certified Nurse Midwives. Indeed, an innate distrust and fear of medical professionals is a fundamental principle of homebirth and lay midwifery.

The Midwives Alliance of North America (MANA), the most well-known organization advocating for lay midwifery and homebirth in the United States, openly deceives women and perpetuates this fear and distrust. In their position paper on homebirth, MANA states:

“There is no significant statistical difference in outcome in terms of maternal or perinatal mortality between hospital and out-of-hospital birth; however, there is increased morbidity in the hospital. Complications for mothers and babies associated with the unacceptably high rates of inductions, cesarean sections, and other overused interventions in U.S. hospitals are well documented and cause for concern.”

Although I was once easily deceived by these incendiary claims, I now know that they lack only the merit of being true. To support these baseless claims, MANA references outdated studies conducted in Canada, Sweden, and Great Britain – countries whose health care systems could not be more unlike that of the United States. These and so many other outright lies espoused by the homebirth and lay midwifery communities formed the basis for the negative feelings I had related to hospital birth in general and, more specifically, cesarean birth.

As I sat and spoke with my obstetrician, however, my experience was anything but negative. I was, for the first time in years, able to acknowledge all of my fears and concerns about birth without being told that these emotions would lead to birthing complications. For years I had been told that positive affirmations and prayers empowered women to trust their body to do what it was made to do – birth a healthy baby without complication. Fear and negativity, however, eroded a woman’s trust in her body’s innate ability to birth and led to complications and adverse outcomes. The subtle implication in this absurd line of thinking is that mothers are at fault for adverse outcomes in birth. I was, according to advocates of lay midwifery and homebirth, ultimately responsible for causing the shoulder dystocia that threatened my baby’s life. My obstetrician would offer no such feelings of guilt. He explained that I could manage risks to myself and my baby while also ensuring a positive birthing experience for us both. I began to see that, unlike my previous homebirth experiences, this birth experience would take place in an atmosphere of mutual trust and respect where I could rely on the expertise of medical professionals while these same professionals showed respect and deference for my needs and emotions.

I continued to feel relatively confident with my choice in a cesarean birth until I was about 7 months along. It was at this time that I literally became a tightly-wound ball of anxiety. I had spent 13 years of my life fearing this surgery. I had never been exposed to positive cesarean stories. The stories that I had heard detailed how terrible the surgery and subsequent recovery was. I had also heard that you could not appropriately bond with your baby and that you could not effectively breastfeed after the cesarean section. In fact, these horror stories (along with a passion for breastfeeding) had effectively led me to look into homebirth in the first place.

To help deal with the emotions I was having, I spent a lot of time watching cesarean videos online, talking to labor and delivery nurses, and listening to mothers who had positive cesarean birth experiences. I also realized that I was thinking of my cesarean birth as an intervention that would take the place of my birth effectively leaving me without a birth experience. Eventually, I was able to view my upcoming cesarean as the birth of my baby – an event that brought the same excitement and anticipation that a vaginal birth did!

Toward the end of my pregnancy, I had a few “false alarms”. Strangely, I began to look forward to bypassing the advanced stages of labor. Because I now associated labor with the traumatic experience of my previous homebirth, I wasn’t sure if I could labor calmly or peacefully. I felt reassured in my decision to have a cesarean section and this gave me a great deal of comfort.

The night before my scheduled cesarean, painful contractions began. I tossed and turned all night, unable to get truly comfortable. I wasn’t sure if this was true labor, another false alarm, or just pre-surgery jitters. Once the sun came up and I was still having contractions, I decided to call the hospital once my kids were off to school to see if we could arrive ahead of our scheduled time. At this point, I was pretty sure that I was in the early stages of labor.

From the moment we walked into the hospital, our experience can only be explained as exceptional. As we got settled into our room, each and every member of the labor and delivery team was caring and courteous. I immediately felt a sense of calm come over me. I knew I was in the best place that I could be – a place full of amazing medical professionals whose ultimate goal was a healthy mother and baby. The pain of my contractions faded into the distance as did the fear that had plagued me throughout the night. My obstetrician came in and asked if I was ready to have a baby. I was laughing, I was excited, and I was ready to birth my baby.

A nursing instructor entered our room and asked if it would be okay if nursing students attended our birth. My husband and I spoke about the outstanding experience that were having thus far and we thought about all of the wonderful nurses that worked tirelessly to make this experience possible. There was not a doubt in either of our minds – we were honored to have nursing students at our birth. We hoped that by adding to the learning experience of these amazing nursing students, we were in some way giving back to an honored profession that was giving so much to us.

I briefly chatted with the nurse anesthetist while they finished prepping the operating room. She asked if I had any birthing preferences that she could help me achieve. I decided that I did not. I told her that I did not care about immediate skin-to-skin contact, immediately holding my baby, or even immediately breastfeeding. I told her that the one thing that I wanted more than anything else was to hear my baby cry – the one sound that would mean my baby was alive, safe, and healthy. Knowing that she couldn’t promise me this, it still made me feel better to say it out loud: “Please, oh please, just let me hear those cries. That’s all I need to get me through this. I want to hear his cry.”

I was wheeled into the operating room and the reality of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. I was really doing this. I was facing my biggest fear and I chose to do this. The lights were far brighter and the room far smaller than I imagined it would be. I looked around at all of the medical professionals, each of whom were there for one specific purpose – to help me birth my baby. There was no question that everyone gathered in the operating room was well educated and a consummate professional, a stark difference from my homebirth experiences. I gladly hopped onto the operating room table knowing that I would be meeting my baby very soon.

Right before they administered the spinal anesthesia, I once again felt a momentary flash of fear. I wanted to run out of the room so badly! My nurse noticed that I was nervous, so she made small talk with me and held my hand. She took my mind off of everything by taking the time to CARE. Those four little letters sometimes don’t get the attention that they deserve in our healthcare system, but my nurse ensured that I knew that everyone in that room did care. The next thing I knew, I saw my doctor walk in and my husband was by my side. I knew it was go time!

As the surgery began, all I can remember is feeling incredibly sleepy. I thought, “Please brain, stay awake! I’m about to meet my baby!” And then I heard it. Oh how my heart turned into mush when I heard my baby cry. I got a peek of him over the curtain and my husband and I both started crying. My sweet boy was here! He was crying! He was pink! He was alert! There simply are no words to describe the elation that a mother and father feel at the sound of their baby’s first cries. My husband went to stand by the pediatrician while she completed a quick newborn assessment. The next thing I know, I had this beautiful little baby boy placed on my chest. Oh, those sweet little cries! They were music to my ears that caused so much love to swell up in my heart that I could barely contain it.

While the obstetrician completed the surgical procedure, the baby went back to my hospital room with my husband and the nursery nurse. I joined them shortly thereafter and I got over an hour alone with my baby. I was able to breastfeed him and he latched on perfectly. I got to look him over, count all of his fingers and toes, see what color hair he had, and I got to smell and kiss his perfect little head. I was ecstatic. I had conquered my fear head-on and had done everything that I could to ensure the safest birth for my baby. It was all worth it!

My recovery was not even close to being as awful as I had heard it would be. I was up and walking by that evening. When the nurse helped me get up and walk my incision burned a lot, and I may have cussed a little! She assured me that this was normal, so I made sure to get up often during the night to walk around. When my nurse finally removed my bandage, my incision looked neat and clean. Right away I felt so proud of it. It has become a badge of honor. My entire recovery went smoothly and I had no complications. I was amazed at how little pain I was experiencing, and the burning feeling was gone by the time I returned home two days later.

I felt just as bonded to my cesarean baby as I was to all of my other babies born vaginally. In addition, I felt far more empowered during my cesarean birth experience than I ever did during my homebirths. I have learned that you can only truly be empowered when you are given all of the relevant information in an atmosphere of full disclosure – an environment that cannot occur at a homebirth or with a lay midwife.

I have come to understand that medical professionals simply want what is best for us, even when we do not fully grasp each and every action that they take. At these moments, when we do not understand, it is our responsibility to speak up and ask. Each of the interventions that the homebirth community and lay midwives decry as annoying, unnecessary, and counterproductive to the birthing process, actually does have a purpose whose basis is planted firmly in evidence-based practice in order to ensure optimal outcomes for both mother and baby.

I feel foolish and even selfish for once being so adamantly opposed to the medical birthing community. I have learned that the method by which a baby is born is not the most important thing. We should never idealize or romanticize the concept that one mode of birthing is inherently preferential to another. A mother’s single priority in deciding how she will birth should always be obtaining information from a qualified professional so that she can ensure the greatest possible opportunity for the safe birth of her baby. It took me almost losing my baby to finally understand this concept.

There is no immutable law that promises us that our bodies, when left to nature, will always function optimally. Our bodies can and will be lemons from time to time. While the human body is absolutely amazing, it is certainly not perfect. Some of us will need eyeglasses to help us see better, some will need dental work. Others will require surgical interventions such as an appendectomy or a cardiovascular surgery to correct a naturally-occurring dysfunction in their body. Likewise, some women will require interventions in their labor such as a cesarean section to ensure the safe arrival of their child. It is okay to admit that our bodies are not perfect.

My good friend, Dhanya Bramhill-Smith, offered this to counter Ina May Gaskin’s quote: “Your body may be a lemon. It may require extra help and intervention to start labor or to get your baby out safely. It may grow a baby that is too big for you to birth vaginally. It may require you to have a cesarean birth. Your body may be a lemon, but your heart is not. You were created with the capacity to love your child however they come into the world. You are an amazing mother. And that ties in no way to what your body can or can’t do. Your heart is NOT a lemon.”

Ultimately, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade! The fact that your ideal drink would have been tea matters little when you are thirsty after a long, summer day.

Special thanks to Shannon Medical Center in San Angelo, Texas for their outstanding care during my delivery and hospital stay. Thank you to Dr. Kelly Wilson, MD for providing outstanding prenatal and postpartum care. Your constant and unwavering professionalism served as a lighthouse during this stormy time in our lives. Thank you for all the hours you spent listening to me, educating me, and ultimately respecting my decisions and autonomy. Finally, thank you for doing what you do – for delivering our son to us and then moving on to help the next family in need. Thank you to our amazing pediatrician, Dr. Michelle Sarraff, MD. Your hard work and continued dedication is greatly appreciated. You have provided our baby with the best of care from his first breath and for this, we humbly thank you.

Thank you to all the wonderful nurses who kept me calm during my cesarean section and for the nurses that helped care for me and my baby during my recovery. I enjoyed all of our conversations and all the laughs we had just as much as I enjoyed the tears of joy we shed together. Thank you to the amazing nursing students from Angelo State University who were professional, kind, and eager to learn during our birth. You will make brilliant nurses and I’m so glad you shared our birth experience. To each and every person who was present in any capacity during our birth, words will never be enough to show our gratitude. Each and every one of you served to ease my fears and made the birth of our baby safe and incredible.

Ashley and Kris Martin

Holden Wilde

October 21, 2015

7 lbs 14 oz

19 inches long

Homebirth Photograph by In Bloom Photography.

Pregnancy announcement, maternity, and newborn photographs done by Kensie Lee Photography.

Thank you all!

Wow. I am a little bit stunned and shocked that my story of my homebirth has taken off like this.

Please remember that I am a mom to five children and do not have a lot of 'free time' to comment back. I have been reading and hope to catch up eventually. My inbox is being flooded with messages from other mothers who have had traumatic homebirths and hospital births. I have said this over and over: Traumatic births can happen in any setting. It is reality. We can not just ignore or delete the traumatic home birth stories.

I feel like I should clarify something. Yes, I regret my homebirth. Yes, I do not want anyone to make the same mistake I did. But I am not anti-home birth, I am for SAFER homebirth.

And due to the overwhelming amount of messages I am getting, I have set up a Facebook page for support and awareness.

https://www.facebook.com/homebirthlossandtraumasupport

This page is dedicated to supporting those who have experienced a loss or traumatic homebirth. I am a mom of five, and I recently experienced a horrible shoulder dystocia during my son's homebirth that nearly killed us both. After my story went viral, there was an outpouring of support and tragic stories from moms just like me who were too afraid to speak out. If you or someone you care about has had a similar experience, or if you are as concerned about the risks of homebirth as we are, please join this page and help us raise awareness of what can really happen at homebirth.

Please feel free to 'like' the page and pass it along.

My true feelings regarding my home birth experience...

It has taken me over a year to fully understand my home birth experience. Zinn is now 16 months - walking and running - babbling - typical toddler! I've had a lot of time to just sit down and think about my birth. The biggest part was finally getting my medical records from my pregnancy, labor, and birth with him. That was the missing link in my healing process. It took me months to get them - complete with melt downs, tears, emails, house visits, phone calls - but I got them.

On December 2nd, 2014 - my photographs from my home birth were released for the world to see. Along with those photos? My birth photographers perspective on my birth. Yes, yes, yes! I gave permission for her to release them. I didn't know what she was going to write. I thought long and hard before letting her release them - I knew it would create a stir. I wanted her to have the spot light though because she's very talented and wish the best for her. My original plan was to not engage in ANY of the comments. But that didn't last long before I was sucked into them. And before I knew it, I found other amazing moms who felt like I did.

Link to the Pop Sugar Article:

http://www.popsugar.com/moms/Photographs-Home-Water-Birth-36203103#photo-36203103

I am NOT happy with how my home birth went. It was awful. Horrifying. Scary. Traumatic. Worst day of my life is a huge understatement.

My baby almost died. I almost died.

I did not walk away from my birth feeling like a 'birth warrior'. Multiple people at my birth kept calling me that. I did not walk away feeling empowered or womanly. No one at my birth was a hero. I was not brave.

I was misled, lied too, and manipulated. Informed consent? Hah. I wish.

I left my birth feeling broken, beaten down, cheated. I felt like no one there really cared about the most important thing: my child's safety and well-being.

I went into my home birth wanting that picture perfect birth - just like all the other home birth photos showed. I wanted to be that pretty momma - laughing during labor - sitting in the pool looking glamorous and happy. I really thought I was doing the best thing for my baby. I was told that it was safe. That I was low-risk. Nothing bad could happen because we TRUST birth. And if something was to come up, we would know about it hours before - plenty of time to get to the hospital! I did everything right!

1. Have a home birth! Check!

2. Go to the chiropractor! Check!

3. Hire a doula! Check!

4. Eat healthy. Take herbal supplements. Check!

5. Do Spinning Babies every day. Check!

6. TRUST BIRTH! Check!

I had concerns the last month that were brushed off. I was told and taught to 'trust birth', 'trust your body', and 'your body can't grow a baby too big!'.

My labor was rough. I cried through most of it. Might have screamed and yelled some. I can't remember. I remember the pain of the contractions and how I just wanted it to be over with.

My baby was born in the brow presentation and he also had shoulder dystocia. It was not a pretty birth. It was not glamorous. My bathroom floor was flooded with meconium stained water and baby poop. My baby was born lifeless and limp. It took them almost 9 minutes to get him out of me. During all of this - I had NO idea what was going on. I had no idea he was stuck and that this was an emergency. No one was monitoring my vitals or his. No one was trained for this type of emergency. FUNDAL PRESSURE was used on me. 911 was not called until he was a minute old. The first thing that was said, "There is no heart beat, I don't hear a heart beat." Then the next thing was, "Listen HARDER!"

He was taken from my bathroom into the ambulance when he was 6 minutes old. Weak pulse, still limp and lifeless, still not breathing. I didn't know how he was until several hours later.

Yes, my son is okay today. He's a fireball. A burst of crazy energy. Drives us insane but always has us laughing. No, I will not continue to think everything went okay and no, I will not just 'get over it'.

But just because my son is okay, does NOT mean that my home birth was okay. Or that anyone at my birth was a hero. No one saved my baby. No one saved his life. They only RISKED his life.

My biggest regret in life? Being at home for birth. There is not a day that goes by that I do not thank my lucky stars for him being here.

You may see those laughing mamas in labor at home - all those smiles at their home birth - but when things go wrong, it goes downhill REALLY quickly. You might be 'low risk' one second and 'high risk' the next second. And that oxygen tank? It won't get you very far. You are not just 'down the hall' from an operating room. You don't have a neonatologist in the next room. You honestly don't have anyone qualified for an emergency next to you.

I have nightmares about my birth. I think about it constantly. It consumes me. It has changed who I am as a person. I was told that my 'weak pelvic floor' caused everything to go south during my labor. Now I'm left with the added guilt of my own body causing his horrific birth. I saw the ugly side of birth. I was part of an ugly statistic that someone has to be. We shouldn't trust birth, we should respect it.

"Brow presentation is the least common of all fetal presentations and the incidence varies from 1 in 500 deliveries to 1 in 1400 deliveries."

"The incidence of shoulder dystocia is generally reported to be between 0.5 % and 1.5% with scattered reports listing values both higher and lower."

I am constantly having to remind myself that my body did NOT fail me. My body is okay. Birth is just about luck - making sure all the stars align perfectly.

I wanted a fairy tale - picture perfect birth. I invested thousands of dollars into it - along with hundreds and hundreds of dollars into a photographer - and I walked away feeling like a failure. When trying to reach out to other moms, I get told to stop fear mongering or using scare tactics. I get banned or shunned in a community that I used to believe in and fight for. I won't stop talking or warning others though. I don't want another person to make the same mistake I did.

Birth Stats: 9 lbs 14.5 oz and 22.5 inches long

I almost had that fairy tale birth ....

But I didn't ...

Here's the picture I was looking at, while at home, separated from my baby. This photo is referenced in the Pop Sugar blog above. I've had numerous people tell me that he looks like a stillborn baby here.

Instead we landed ourselves in the NICU... surrounded by amazing doctors and nurses and staff. These were the people that picked up the pieces of my birth. They cared about his well-being and health. They were the ones by his side 24 hours a day. They were the ones comforting ME and letting me CRY on their shoulders. They are the true heroes here.

I do not want to be the poster girl for home birth. Please don't make the same mistake I did.

I'm so glad he's here.

All professional labor and birth photographs are taken by In Bloom Photography. You can view her work here: http://www.inbloomimages.com/

Updated Picture of my son is taken by Kensie Lee Photography. You can view her work here: http://www.kensieleephotography.com/

EDITED TO ADD:
Wow. I am a little bit stunned and shocked that my story of my homebirth has taken off like this.

Please remember that I am a mom to five children and do not have a lot of 'free time' to comment back. I have been reading and hope to catch up eventually. My inbox is being flooded with messages from other mothers who have had traumatic homebirths and hospital births. I have said this over and over: Traumatic births can happen in any setting. It is reality. We can not just ignore or delete the traumatic home birth stories.

I feel like I should clarify something. Yes, I regret my homebirth. Yes, I do not want anyone to make the same mistake I did. But I am not anti-home birth, I am for SAFER homebirth.

And due to the overwhelming amount of messages I am getting, I have set up a Facebook page for support and awareness.

https://www.facebook.com/homebirthlossandtraumasupport

This page is dedicated to supporting those who have experienced a loss or traumatic homebirth. I am a mom of five, and I recently experienced a horrible shoulder dystocia during my son's homebirth that nearly killed us both. After my story went viral, there was an outpouring of support and tragic stories from moms just like me who were too afraid to speak out. If you or someone you care about has had a similar experience, or if you are as concerned about the risks of homebirth as we are, please join this page and help us raise awareness of what can really happen at homebirth.

Please feel free to 'like' the page and pass it along.